Just kidding. You're the most hated and most pitied person out there.
You know those stories you hear about a stranger walking a crying toddler up and down the aisle of an airplane? Or a kind lady holding a lap baby for an hour on a flight so mom can get some sleep? You know why those stories make your Facebook News Feed? Because they are RARE. Do not expect help. From anyone. Including flight attendants. I'd love to insert a story here to warm your heart - but I have none. People are awful, so set your expectations LOW.
My first example on how NOT helpful the airlines are - "family boarding" - it pretty much doesn't exist. I was flying home from Orlando with two under two and was enthusiastically denied early boarding because "this is Orlando… everybody has kids." Needless to say, "everybody with kids" was pretty annoyed that it took us over 15 minutes to get situated in the plane (all while passing the 2 month old back and forth between the two of us). My new trick? I send my husband ahead as the pack mule. He gets on the plane during our boarding group, installs the car seats and puts the bags where they belong - while I let the wild banshees run around and scream until the last possible second to get on the plane.
I always schedule our flights around naptimes… but never expect the kids to actually sleep. Because they will NOT. One trip to Florida, my 2 year old was a terror the entire flight, and literally fell asleep during landing. To pour salt in that wound… she did the exact same thing on the way home.
Also? I am not a fan of the treat bags and earplugs for passengers sitting by you. Hilarious the first time I saw it on Pinterest… but really? You don't need one more thing to worry about. They are adults, and a good chunk of them have traveled with children before - so they get it. They can take care of themselves, you take care of you.
It is my thing to way overpack the carry on (which really should be a "roll on"). I've heard all the horror stories about being stuck on the runway for hours… can you imagine having a formula fed baby, with no formula available? I bring at least 4x what I think I'll need. Overdoing it? Yeah. Do I care? Nope. It's also important to note here that American Airlines doesn't have milk. So bring that if you need it. I learned that from personal experience.
Snacks are always my favorite bribe to shut the kids up. Suckers are great for takeoff and landing (they help with ear popping!) but I try really hard to stay away from the sugar stuff on a flight. All I need is my little one on a sugar high when she starts singing with that high-pitched-enough-to-break-glass shriek she loves to do when she gets really excited.
Diapers? One per hour of travel time. (I told you I loved to overpack!) … juuuuuust to be safe. And honestly - I've changed some nasty diapers in airplane restrooms and it's not terrible. They do manage to make good use of that tiny space! So please - for the love of God and all that his holy - do not try to change your kid in your seat. It's really not that bad in there, I promise.
Keep the airsick bag handy, just trust me on that one. Also, in the hours leading up to your trip - think about what you're feeding your kid and if it's something that you wouldn't mind having to clean up at 32,000 feet.
Throw the screen time limits out the window and embrace the Kindle, or iPad, or whatever. My two year old spent a good solid hour watching the first 4 minutes of every Disney movie we owned on our last flight and I did not complain. There are also some fun apps (find brand of app we like) … but don't discount the crayons and stickers, either.
My last and final piece of advice - BUY THE SEAT. If buying 2 seats vs 3 seats is a make-or-break decision on taking the vacation - I get that. Lap baby it is. But if you have the means… BUY. THE. SEAT. …. And buy the seat in the back of the plane. You're next to the bathrooms and its where the flight attendants hang out. They may even allow your little ones to roam around and get extra snacks back there.
Flying with toddlers is the worst, but it doesn't have to be if you set the right expectations and prepare yourself for the suckfest.
To sum it all up - no matter how much you prepare, it's going to be a mess. But if you roll with the punches and don't let rude people get under your skin… you'll live. Promise.
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